Our resident corporate Agony Uncle, CEO Ken Cheng, tackles business challenges – so you don’t have to
Q. How do you divide your portfolio? What is the best investment strategy? – Kenan, Rochester
A. A lot of “investors” will say the same stuff. Mutual funds. Bonds. Gold. Not me. I have one simple investment strategy:
Print it all out into cash and make it into a giant bed of money.
Many will tell you that it will depreciate in value. That cash doesn’t create interest. That it is not inflation-proof. That the notes will get ruined from all my back sweat over the night.
Nuh-uh.
What they haven’t taken into account is how powerful sleeping on a bed of money makes you feel.
Regular mattresses make you feel weak and poor. Scientists have also proven that the best lumbar support you can get is extreme wealth.
With the confidence and power I feel from waking up in several hundreds of thousands of pounds worth is unrivalled. It will allow me to do a better job and dominate my employees harder.
That return on investment is unquantifiable.
So please, do rely on your mutual funds. Meanwhile, every night I go to bed with 50,000 King Charles IIIs.
Yes, I’m having a giant orgy with the King every night.
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